This is My Life: White Girl Problems

More tales-of-woe from my new job. As I mentioned last time, I now have to park at what would best be described for the general public, as a satellite parking lot. I then need to take a bus, and well, you can read about all that in my last (or next-to-last?) post.

So when I get to the parking lot. I park my car, walk to the bus stop and don't return for 8 hours.

Yesterday, I pulled into a space behind another car, lined up with the car next to me, and went about my life.

When I returned to my car, most of the other cars were long gone. Finals week as it was. So I walk up to my car and *face palm* my car is a good 2 or more feet over the front line.

*well thats unfortunate

But I did park behind an already parked car, AND lined up with the car next to me (or so I thought), so how was I to know!?

I get in my car and my wipers were still on from when I turned my car off, so they did their little wiper dance when I turned my car on. Naturally, it catches my eye when a sheet of paper swooshes across my windshield.

It only took a second for me to know what its purpose was so I reach out and grab it, knowing I am in store for something obnoxious. It's not like my car had been there like that for DAYS.

I unfold it to reveal:

I can not stress enough times that I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER use that word.
So please do not yell at me for being intolerant.

So here's what I enjoyed about this note. A) That they assumed I was a dude (I don't think that word's ever been used to describe a girl), and 2) That I am gay. I did not know that it was common for gay people to park poorly. I know, I know, it was just being used as a derogatory insult, to be redundant. It's mostly because I am not a dude or some who would ever use that word that way, that I found amusement in the word being used to insult.

Or maybe this person thinks I'm a bundle of sticks.

No, I Work Here.

When you live in a college town and don't have gray hair and wrinkles yet,  you are destined to have every person you encounter think that you are a student. Especially when you start working at the University.

Today there's some big dedication hulabalo where I work so I dressed extra nice.

Zomg not wearing my skirt!

I also just got new shoes that I wanted to wear but feared that my "commute" from where I have to park to the building I work in would not agree with them, so I chose to carry my shoes and wear flip flops.

I'm on the bus and at the first stop after I've gotten on, some dude gets on and ends up sitting next to me. So I am sitting there wearing black pants, an oxford shirt, computer bag on my lap and 3" heels (currently giving  me about 5,000 blisters btw) in my hands.

He "cleverly?" asks me if they are dance shoes.  And I was like  "um what? No, they're just hard to walk in...how do they look like dance shoes?"

Which is true. For some unknown reason they have felt on the ball of the shoe. Presumably to make them either less slippery, or so that it's easily apparent once they've been worn so they won't be in a returnable condition.

Then he started going on about his dance partner having to learn how to not only have to learn to walk in heels and at the same time to walk backwards in heels.

I started at him blankly and then realized he meant cause girls tend to move backwards when dancing.

And I thought the conversation was over and wondered what the chances were that a) he was not a student, and 2) he didn't think I was a student.

Then his last ditch effort in his hitting on me:

Yup. Even dressed as nice/grown-up looking as possible, it's not cause I work here, it's cause I'm a student with a presentation.

Then he got off the bus silently.

Taking the Bus

So my blogging is making a come back! Probably. Now that I have a 40 hr(ish)/week office job, all the sitting in front of my computer will most likely keep me blogging regularly. But then again who knows. Also I'm supposed to be busier eventually. Hopefully. So I don't really have a story for you per se, however there is this one thing that I hate about new jobby-job that I want to rant about we will talk about briefly.

Taking the Bus

I don't have a specific story that was so terrible that it bears repeating, its more of a general terribleness that you don't think about when applying for a job at the near by major university. Unless you live in a city that already requires public transportation. But anyway, this is pretty much how I feel about it: 

Yeah so that's pretty much what it's like. Not really, but that's what it feels like. So what my situation is, is that I drive to campus, and park in the "commuter" lot on the outskirts of it and naturally the building(s) I work in are not walkable (by my standards). It's not like I can wear sneakers ever day so I think it's okay if I don't want to walk 20-30 mins in my nice shoes. And when it gets cold again forget about it.

So I park in the lot, walk to the bus stop and wait. And wait. Then wait some more. And eventually a bus comes and we file on and I feel like I'm in school again. Especially since it's where I went to school so it's the same buses. Except now they have a voice that announces the stop locations. So I can definitively say that probably what I miss most about my old job was that there was one building and one parking lot and it was right outside the building. Maybe I shouldn't have complained about those times when the lot was fullish and I had to walk an extra 500ft to the door.

For now, lets just hope this doesn't happen and I will be mostly happy.

I just need to avoid the bus late at night. Silly drunk college kids. Poor Dee.

Futon from Hell

It was just like any other night, for any, group of friends, in any typical college dorm room. On this night we chose to spend the evening in Chad's dorm which was all the way across campus from where my girlfriends and I lived. And some of us were "socializing" more than others.

When the end of the night came, we were all tired, some extremely drunk somewhat intoxicated, and it was cold out. The girls and I contemplated how we could avoid walking all the way back to our dorm. Chad had a futon under his bed that some could sleep on and one of our other guy friends  who lived near by had an extra bed that the rest could smooth into. Oh I forgot to mention that there was another guy with us who lived in the same building as I did and also didn't want to walk back to his room. 

So somehow it was determined that I would share the futon with the dude, Matt and the girls would share the bed in Jamie's room. Even though I was not psyched to be sharing the futon with Matt, at least it was "full sized" as opposed to the twin bed Sarah and Hannah would be sharing. 

Half the group cleared out so we could all get to bed. The rest of us settled in to go to sleep.

I was trying to sleep when suddenly, Matt was rubbing my back and my arm and I was at a loss for how to handle it. I just knew it had to stop.

 "Oh, okay." Like what had just happened was completely normal and no big deal!

So I was completely freaked out and wide awake so I put the TV on to watch Conan to try to distract me enough to be able to fall asleep. Somehow I had assumed that I was in the clear since I, you know, had already said no to hooking up, until he was touching my arm again!

I was dumbfounded that it really happened twice in 20 minutes. What was he thinking? That I was as wasted as he was? Or maybe he had fallen asleep, woken back up and didn't remember he had already been shot down. And it's not like I had EVER expressed any sort of interest or attraction towards him, as he was a good 4 inches shorter than me, and incredibly hobbitlike. Or he thought I would just hook up with him for the sake of it since Sarah had done it twice already. 

Anyway, This time I was more firm and fortunately he did not try again. But still now I was even more freaked out and wide awake, not to mention physically uncomfortable because I couldn't move around at all in bed because I feared that if I turned to my other side he would take it as a sign that I now wanted "some."

I didn't. I just wanted to fall asleep and get the hell home in the morning. And finish watching Conan.

Awesomesauce

I keep thinking that it's time to take down my tree but then become too lazy to actually do it. I'm starting to fear that it's pissing off my roommate and that I better do it ASAP. Also I decided upon a name for my comic strip, aptly, "Awesomesauce." Naturally, I was watching Parks and Recreation at the time of inspiration. Hmm I wonder what Leslie Knope thinks about that...

 I thought as much. Anyway, the strip:

He probably doesn't even notice it.

Swing and a Miss

Here is the *promised* and now belated Thanksgiving story. Enjoy.

This story requires some background information. Something constant that I remember from my childhood was my dad's love of golf. He would often practice his golf swing when he was just standing around talking. It may have had something to do with there being a shocking amount of cut wooden dowels throughout the house. This might sound like something I'm making up for the sake of the story, but no. I guess they were used for holding the windows open.

So my dad would happen upon a dowel from time to time and then hold it like a golf club and "practice" his swing. 

Not a golf club.

Okay, you get the idea.

I was so used to it and got to the point where I no longer questioned it. But apparently my mom was far less observant than I.

It was like any other Thanksgiving with my parents and our family friends. We had finished dinner at the most crowded table ever and myself and the rest of the "grown ups" were in the living room chatting. Though I was more staring off into space than actually participating in the conversation.

Hmm that book looks familiar.

Anyway. I guess there had been some drinking and my dad, true to form, decided to practice his swing. The thing with the dowels had died off years ago when most of the windows had been fixed. But I still recognized the familiar pantomimed golf club and thought nothing of it.

My mom, however... Remember, I mentioned the drinking. She was clearly only half paying attention and just saw how he was standing and the positioning of his hands, "setting up his shot," I know that I got my lack-of-verbal-filter from my mom, because instead of thinking about it first she blurts out...

I just sat there mortified and scarred for life because I could never unhear those words from my mom's mouth.

I pretty much blacked out the subsequent conversation after that moment, but after my dad stared at her in disbelief and explained to her what he was actually pantomiming, I'm sure my mom thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Always the Grammar Police

So I made a comic strip! I'm hoping to have them fairly regularly for stories that really don't warrant the narrative form of story telling. Enjoy and let me know what you think! (Oh, and click to enlarge, sorry the text is so small).




I approach two co-workers...

*Crickets*

How to NOT Make Friends at Work

When executed correctly, these steps will discourage your co-workers from attempting to befriend you and will avoid talking to you whenever possible to avoid feeling awkward. *

Step one:
Make sure to always look at the floor when walking through the halls. This will discourage people from attempting to interact with you.

Step two:
Wear rubber-soled shoes and tread lightly. If no one can hear you coming, they won't be able to stop you to talk.

Step three:
When delivering documents in work spaces, be sure to maintain eye-contact with the document. This will help you to avoid eye-contact with all humans. 

Step four:
If you hear someone approaching do not look up until they address you. This is guarantee no extraneous interaction with this person in the event that they are not coming to talk to you after all.

Step five:
If someone does attempt some sort of interaction with you, make sure to look as terrified as possible when responding. This will discourage any future attempts at friendliness.

*Disclaimer: If you would prefer to maybe make a couple friends, do the opposite :)

How To Date a Co-Worker

I'm not saying it works, but in my experience, this is aparantly how it's done. In the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that I am guilty of using parts of this method along with being the victim of them.


Step 1) Acquire Target
Spot someone you think you'd like to date and focus your efforts on them.

2) Make Audible Connection
Find a way to communicate with Target in a neutral location, putting your target at ease and allowing for nonchalance.

2) Friend on Facebook Immediately
The sooner the better. If your Target is dumb enough they won't read between the lines and know immediately that you are hunting them.

4) Approach in Target's Natural Habitat.
Find your Target in their workspace and attempt communication with them. Don't bother to notice if they seem uncomfortable or not, keep trying until they appear to not be scared of you.

5) Invite Them to an Outside Event
If you can get Target to spend time with you outside of your workplace, you will have every opportunity to seduce them. Use of Facebook is recommended for this step.

6) Rinse and Repeat
Even if your Target is unresponsive to ALL of these steps, keep trying because there's no way that won't push them away farther.

Un-Love Connection

Click me

My friend Erin was dating this guy. We'll call him Josh. Josh had a friend, well call him Scott, and even though Scott had a girlfriend, he apparently hated her and Josh thought it was a genius idea to set up Erin's single friend, me, with Scott so that he could then break up with the gf. Somehow I allowed this to happen. I think I was just bored that day.

The plan, as I understood it, was that we would all meet at Josh's house. I met Erin where she worked, at the end of her shift, and followed her to Josh's. Josh had errands to run so we all got is his truck to go on an adventure. Yes errands count as an adventure. I still thought that Scott was going to meet us at Josh's but apparently not. After done with the errands, we went to a truck stop to meet Scott. Josh owns a tractor-trailer-18-wheeler-thingy and Scott is his driver. So he would be driving over in the truck and the four of us would be then go back to Josh's to "hang out." It had also become fairly late evening. This means I would be meeting this guy in the dark, in the back of Josh's truck. Excellent plan. 

Eventually he shows up and hops in the truck. We're introduced, but I have no idea what to say to this guy I'm now sitting next to, and he's not bringing anything to the table either.

I decide that the best way to hand this situation was to start texting my friend Melissa. While trying to at least talk to Erin so there wasn't just awkward silence.

I also tell Melissa that, since she lives two minutes away from Josh's house, I would be staying with her that night, instead of making the 40 minute drive home. She said it was fine but wouldn't be back till late.

Back at Josh's we enter through the kitchen and Josh and Scott sit down at the kitchen table. So me and Erin are left to stand against the counter 15' away. 

Yeah, that's how we can all take part in the same conversation. I determine that Scott isn't really that good looking and oh, he smokes. No thank you. 

As Scott and Josh have one conversation and Erin and I have another, I've given up even trying to get to know him at all. Josh even left the room at some point and when Erin attempted to bring him into our conversaiton, he was too busy texting (probably his gf) to notice and to join in. 

At this point I'm just waiting for Melissa to get home so I can leave. Finally, Scott has to leave to drive the truck out to NY and he and Josh leave. 

Melissa still hasn't gotten home so I have to wait and Josh gets back and asks what I think. The nicest thing I could think to say was "it wasn't a love connection," (a line from The Office when Pam was set up on a blind date), and we were able to just chat until I could finally leave. 

I had the worst time falling asleep due to the anxiety the whole event caused me, which sucked because I had to get up all early due to Melissa having to go to work.  

Josh told Erin that Scott didn't think it was a good match either, (duh), but he was open to "talking." Meaning that he was up for a phone relationship, so that he could grow balls and break up with the gf. ... or something. Or he thought I was hot enough that he could hook up with me, even though he had no interest in dating me. I had come to my senses by now and firmly declined this "offer" and went on with my life, happy to not be a home wrecker.